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Remember being a sexually confused (or just plain fucking confused in general) young teen, and getting that stir in your pants whenever there was a nude scene in the film/TV show you were watching? And then obvs, you’d re-watch it when you were alone and pause your VHS to really ogle the good bits. Ahh how things were different before internet porn. Or at least before we truly discovered it. Here are the actors who convinced us we were gay…
Kevin Bacon – Wild Things
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This sexually-charged, dark and twisty thriller was one of our favourite flicks of the 90s, and not just because Bacon showed us his meat. What made this scene five times hotter than it was already, was Matt Dillon handing him the towel, like two bros in the locker room about to experiment with their sexuality. Sort of.
Bruce Willis – 12 Monkeys
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Willis’ futuristic thriller that saw the end of the world, or the end of monkeys, or something, became a cult classic. And we can see why, check out the chunk of junk daddy’s packing. We’d have used that loofa to get all of those hard to reach places.
Ryan Phillippe – Cruel Intentions
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Any gay kid who was born in the 80s/90s has this on their list of all-time faves, something about Buffy playing a kunty Kathryn and Ryan Phillipe’s willingness to “put it anywhere” made this an automatic turn-on. Add to that Phillipe stripping off while Reece Witherspoon tried not to flood her basement… winner!
Ryan Reynolds – Amytiville Horror
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OK, so we may not see any actual goodies in the remake of an old horror, starring Ryan Reynolds, but we remember seeing this film first time around… *GASP*. We almost sucked all the oxygen out of the cinema; where did that BODY come from?! And you could totes tell he was free-balling. Hot.
High School Boys – The Hole
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Starring up-and-coming big names Keira Knightley and Thora Hird, this high school trauma-horror sees four teenagers bunk the weekend off a school trip, in favour of getting fucked up in a big bunker they found in the ground. But what ha-happens when they get locked in? Who gives a fuck, we’re only here for Knightley sassing through the showers and ogling the D. Iconic.
Brad Pitt – Fight Club
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If there was one film of the 90s that cemented our bum-banditting, it was Brad. He may have only flaunted a little crack, but we remember being a pre-teen mesmerised by those back dimples. And the fact he got kicked the living shit out of, only made him sexier. We’ll tend to those wounds, boo…
Ewan McGregor – Trainspotting
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The plot of Trainspotting was totally lost on us until we were teens (and snorting every substance that crossed our nasal paths), but that didn’t mean that we didn’t appeciate the full-frontal nudity. He may have been jacked-up, but we’d let Ewan McGregor inject us with that needle any day.
Rando Dick – Scary Movie
If you’re from our generation, Scary Movie was undoubtedly the funniest film of your early teens (even though it was rated-18). But the scene that really caught our (third) eye, was that bathroom scene where Ray was penetrated… in his ear. Totally WTF, and probably prosthetic, but at that age, it was enough to have us excited about using toilets in the cinema.
Jude Law – The Talented Mr. Ripley
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The scene where closeted Matt Damon and Jude Law play chess while Law in bathing was packed with so much homosexual tension we could help but get a lil’ minge-twinge. Naturally disappointed that when he stood up, you needed night-vision goggles to see the goods, but imagine how sexually frustrated Damon must’ve been…
Michael Vartan – One Hour Photo
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Eerie psychological thriller starring Robin Williams as the fuck-up guy that works at the photo developing store. Yeah, it wasn’t winning any awards. And though the sex scene was relatively uncomfortable/disturbing to watch, there was dick… so, yeah.
Bonus Entry: EVERYONE in Caligula
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You know that time it happened to be on Channel 4 in the middle of the day when it really wasn’t supposed to, and your parents turned it over, but you’d already seen too much. And then all it took was a religious reading of the TV Guide every week until it repeated, and put the VHS secretly on record.
Gore Vidal’s film was one of the most explicit mainstream movie ever… Seriously, we haven’t seen this many blowjobs since that weekend in Fire Island.
What movies used to get you off as teenagers? Tell us in the comments below…
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